Thank you … for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin.Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working! But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see.You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets.You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for 4 years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?" I would say 4 years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. Why are you stealing a VCR, they don't even make cassette tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo.but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for 3 years.But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree.I don't have a joke for that, yet.Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it." I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it.She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture.You are a sick freak who should be beaten.Butt sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.Just the thought of having another man around the house. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test.I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!".I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk.
You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing you were poor.
DANIEL TOSH KOBE BRYANT HAPPY THOUGHTS CRACK
You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad.
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